Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Referral


If you don’t like the NBA and never owned a CD by Onyx, you might not like this. However, I think Billups – the pseudonymous author of it – is like a big chunky rail for the synapses.

The opening line is – “Here's something that passes the time between chopping up rails of Ambien and beating your snooze button like it stole something:” – and then it goes off from there. Don't be the venison.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Era of the Closed Fist

*****
“He has always lived like this'—here the speaker closed the fingers of his left hand to a fist—'never like this'—and he let his open hand hang relaxed from the back of his chair.”


A show of hands please. Who here is easier on themselves than they should be? That’s what I thought. I am here to announce that the annual pre-spring effort at self-transformation has arrived. To forestall any nostalgic holdover from the preceding period, I have jettisoned my early thirties hirsute look for the early twenties recent military recruit look. I’m guessing I weigh about two pounds less now. Two cheers for tenacity and dogged refusals to be bullied by chance.

*****
Purchased and read:

My War: Killing Time in Iraq
Plainsong
The God of Small Things

Purchased and reading:

Palace Walk
Returning to Earth
Joan Didion, Collected Non-fiction of
Delights and Shadows

Purchased and listened to:

Tanglewood Numbers

Purchased and viewed:

The Departed

Hoping to possess (by means other than purchasing) soon:

Something that transcends the moribund

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Getting Loose of the Season's Hold On You



Getting loose of the season's hold on you is not simple. sometimes it becomes hard to wash the dishes or get out of bed. sometimes the myriad moral principles you genuinely try to follow morph into something you no longer understand or recognize, and you end up taking shortcuts and doing bad thing after bad thing without being able to stop yourself. You can blame it on the season as an excuse but then you're trying to make a rational one-to-one causal relationship, and that's not where the answer lies.

The miasma that comes with the season - closed-in mustiness opposite the crisp winter cold - takes an infectious turn and here's maybe where you lose perspective and give in to an afflictive self-aborption, the kind that wraps you up in itself and pushes every possible tool available to the hopeful mendicant away. now the mice are scurrying around and maybe you even have it in you to set a trap or two at first. after one or two are killed and disposed of, you begin to think it's more a chore to address the problem than to let indifference diminish its scope. you could buy a cat, but fuck that - cats are one step too far in the direction of total abandonment of principles and you need to keep a smidgeon of self-respect to keep the metabolism at operative levels.

Also there are no mice - you're just remembering that time when you lived in the little house by the mountain stream when the mice would dart into your room as you sat under a lamp reading Vollman's treatise on violence. eventually they didn't faze you, though if you had enough energy left over for pondering you'd sit and wonder if it was always the same adventurous mouse that made strafing runs or if there was a team of them that came in alternating shifts. it's this kind of thought process that signals a further descent into the season's shiftless, could-give-a-shit-less orientation, but at least this time around there are no mice and you can be grateful that you don't have to assimilate them into your reality and actively engage the ideational nexus of possible meanings and responses they engendered a few winters back.

Late in the season you quit buying perishables and subsist on pasta stored in an airtight bin and things kept in the refrigerator. the stray rez dogs in the neighborhood, mangy three-legged mongrels standing in synecdochically for your inner self, start looking forward to your trips to the garbage cans in back where you dump whatever garbage's accumulated unbagged into whichever one offers them the easiest access. if the wind's not blowing, you smoke outside and make a little path to the cans that hardens over time and once or twice causes you to slip and sprawl. this inevitably causes laughter, strange compulsive laughter that makes you think of scenes in movies when a character who's lost someone or something dearly loved shakes his fist at the sky or God or whatever's up there, supplanting a denial of grief with an acceptance of absurdity. Bless your random moments of meekness, having an ego is so hard most times.

Still, you try to write. it becomes too hard not to. if you didn't write, you're turning your back on one of the reasons you're here, so you do it and do it and do it again. you can't leave this place yet and you don't want to revert to the tired old self-motivating truisms (Cf. the going getting tough and the tough getting going, you made your bed now lie in it), so you click the pen's tip out and open to a new page as a kind of preemptive strike against acknowledgment that the season isn't lifting anytime soon and its constriction of your life isn't either. you write to take up time and you write against time, to counteract the fear that comes with thinking too much about when will this be over and when will something new open itself up but also to sustain that fear. And then a few moments a week that new thing is right there for the taking and you lose it and chase it and listen to Bob Marley and Aaron Copland back-to-back until something finished clicks and you laugh a demoniac laugh that turns back on itself and makes you laugh again, but natural this time. Suss it all out and see if it grows on trees, why don't you?

Cinematic Screw


consumed of late: Half-Nelson, the movie about a social studies teacher who is also a crack addict. His weirdly charismatic, stoic student Dre learns of, and eventually helps to facilitate, his habit. I think Half-Nelson and Freedom Writers should team up and go on a cross-country tour of various PTA meetings to make clear how uninteresting and dispassionate most teachers are compared to these two teachers-who-live-in-screenplays. Dan Dunne, brought to you courtesy of Ryan Gosling, is burnt out in, oh let me count ways: he does a lot of drugs and hates himself after having done them, thereby granting him reason to do more drugs to quell self-hatred; his departure from curricular standards begins w/ good intentions and ends up drowning in narcissism and "question-the-system" platitudes (I don't knock these platitudes but freshen em up a bit, eh?); he's older than he ever really wanted to be; etc. the thing i liked most about this movie was the way it was shot, the music, the glimpses into Dunne's interior self Gosling offers us - which in general I thought Gosling does a stellar job in a role defined by confined spaces - his facial expression when he nods and says, "yes it's for me" in that one scene i want go into detail about is affecting enough to make you want to talk to the screen: "no don't do that, bad teacher role model character Dunne - ask her to leave don't purchase illegal narcotics from her." But I think the movie on the whole left me with a sense that Mr. Dunne is a man with personal demons that tend to influence his behavior in unappealing, assholish ways (see: forcing himself on love interest until she has to punch him; dancing in inappropriate way with Dre before escaping to back stairs exit to do a line; failing to pick up on the one redemptive moment when a former student's father approaches him to let him know the student is a freshman at Georgetown and majoring in history - the father walks off when he realizes Dunne is dead-to-the-world drunk). That said, you still kind of root for him throughout the movie, even when he gets a nosebleed in class 'cause of too much coke and lies down like a petulant teenager rather than return to the petulant teenagers he's charged with helping to educate, empower, etc.
The Departed: how many head shots, with the Kennedyesque splatter of brain gunk that follw in their wake, does a movie need to make a point? it depends on the point. Scorcese's enraptured with the autonomy of violence, its tendency to circle back on those who wield it and even up the balance books in ritualistic ways. The Nicholson-Damon-DiCaprio triumvirate, with strong roles from Mark Wahlberg (again, I must say: what?) and Alec "That's not a pelt on my chest" Baldwin, attend to the pathways that violence establishes and rarely stray from their well-manicured boundaries. I would like to see Infernal Affairs, the original screenplay on which this is based. I'm guessing that the rather limpid exploration of doubleness and multiple identities in the Departed is made more of in the original - that would be a good thing. Anyway. Off we go.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

yes/no questions for today's honors class


Is it okay for a teacher to say "this is bullshit" in class? Why or why not? Does it depend on the circumstances? Which circumstances might make it okay?

Is it okay for a student to say "this is bullshit" in class? Why or why not? Does it depend on the circumstances? Which circumstances might make it okay?

Is it okay for a white candidate for MT state senate to hand out campaign materials that are anti-Indian? Why or why not? If those materials are the cause of multiple physical confrontations between supporters of the candidate and Indians who object to them, should they be confiscated? Why or why not?

Is it okay for Indian candidates to put out literature in gas stations on the rez that trumpet support for an all-native ticket? Is it okay for Indian candidates to put literature in gas stations on the rez that denounce all white candidates and call them liars?

Is it okay for a teacher of theology to fail a student who expresses atheistic views and calls religion “an immense fraud” in his/her final paper?
Does it matter if you change "okay" in the above questions to something else, like "appropriate," "justifiable," "forgivable," or [insert synonym]?

Friday, February 02, 2007

Onward Go We

Part of the difficulty of teaching is the population you serve. Teenagers are self-sculpting, mercurial children in adult bodies who scoff and till the ground w/ scuffling shoes so much more effectively than mercurial children in children’s bodies. They still inhabit a time in life – perhaps the last time – when authenticating your own failure can be an empowering act. I’m talking about acting out of spite – the attitude of “I’ll hurt myself openly and quickly before you can invisibly and inexorably wear me down into a small speck of who I am now.”
You see adults do this, too, of course, but without the animating fuck you panache of teenagedom.