Iggles & Queens, Iggles & Queens, Don't Fake the Funk on the Iggles & Queens: Vol. I.

Current line: Philly by 8 1/2.

Other than big black athletic quarterbacks, the
similiarity between these two teams resides in
what they've done to their fans. Iggles fans are
like Bills fans of the 90s, except they haven't even
made it the Big Game and then choked: they've choked
right when it was possible to over the sticking point.
Queens fans are hapless masochists, and I would imagine
most of us are cringing at the thought that this
game is certainly not outside the Queens' grasp. Lately,
the Queens haven't been following the the 41-0 playoff loss
script. They are following the Raise Expectations The Better
To Crush Fanbase's Spirit script. As a Queens fan,
I expect a lot from this game. A lot of broken objects
flung against walls and a lot of beer chasing down swallowed
sorrow.



1) the Dorsey Levens factor
In his heyday with the Pack, Levens made the Queens his personal
coterie of prostitutes. It seemed like he caught about seven hundred screen passes a game, and would bust off at least one counter per half for thirty or fourty yards. His mere presence on the Iggles roster should intimidate any self-respecting, non-Alzheimer suffering Queens fan. on the plus side, the Eagles Media Guide reports that Levens suffers from a combination of social awkwardness disorder and an excessive amount of chromosomes:

In 1997, Levens appeared on the television show Oprah to discuss the difficulties of pro athletes in finding suitable mates. “Basically it was about how hard it is to find a woman who is interested in you for you and not for your money and fame,” said Levens. “The embarassing thing was getting all the flowers and candy. The guys gave me a real hard time.”

I bet.



2) the Aristotlean theory of catharsis factor
Queens fans believe they are blessed with the gift of affecting the outcome of the game by yelling at the television. Being mostly docile but hard-working introverts who enjoy Garrison Keillor and woodworking out in the shed, Queens fans relish the opportunity to let out a little emotional rope while watching the game, even drop the occasional "damn it." Though they ultimately bring disappoint into the lives of their fans, the Queens also offer a unique opportunity for cathartic release that, if expressed in a different situation at something other than the idiot box, would be socially taboo in the small towns in which many of their most loyal fans reside.


3) Eagles' Fans Factor
"There will be no fear of playing in Philly, as there was no fear of playing in Lambeau.'' - Tice

Tice is either lying or stupid. Lambeau is to Philly what Guantanamo Bay's Camp X-Ray is to Auschwitz. The verbal abuse Iggles fans dish out is something any true sports fan can admire. While Queens fans gather in bars and their living rooms to yell at the television, Philly fans come together to direct their most base & vulgar impulses at the opposing team, in full view of their fellow citizens' children. It's almost like a kind of locally based fascism, and a source of enduring pride at that. Last year, columnists in Carolina felt it necessary to warn fans against excessive partisan spirt on behalf of their beloved Panthers. I expect nothing else this year. if there is snow, snowballs with batteries embedded in them will be hucked. Perhaps razorblades as well, a la W.T. Vollman's "You Bright and Risen Angels"


Introductory Overview of actual game:

David Dixon, Matt "I went to fucking Harvard" Birk, and the Big Uglies up front will absorb most of the blitzing birds without allowing damage to be inflicted. But I do expect lots of missed assignments in the backfield: Onterrio Smith and Michael Bennett looked stoned whenever they are asked to block someone. Of course, Dante is pushing 270, and has a habit of robbing defense tackles of their dignity, so it might not matter regardless. But even the hapless Pack looked like the Buddy Ryan era Eagles last week during the second half. (Speaking of, what happened to Buddy Ryan?)

The Queens offense will do OK, but not great, even though they haven't established a running game since the bygone days of Brad Johnson & Warren Moon. Moe Williams being hurt is only an issue
in the Red Zone, where the Queens tend to struggle due to an adolescent infatuation with fade patterns, naked bootlegs, and Burleson's buttonhooks. Things would work out if Tice could simply call play action to Wiggins the tightend, whose hands are as soft as Moss's twig-like bone structure (one day he is going to catch a pass over the middle and be broken in half by a LB). Red Zone play lead to a Queens lost in their first meeting with the Iggles. "The Eagles beat the Vikings 27-16 in a Monday night game the second week of the season, despite being dominated on the stat sheet. Minnesota held the ball for almost 38 minutes and gained 410 yards, but settled for three field goals when the game still was in reach. Culpepper lost a fumble at the Philadelphia 1 to end a drive in the first half, and a penalty on Moss killed another drive." (thank you anonymous AP reporter)

Nate Burleson and Kelly Campbell need to have big days for the Queens; expect one play from Moss to remind you of his first two breakout seasons, but that's about all.

Jeremiah Trotter makes me wish I could root for the Iggles. The whole defense, in fact, goosebumps my flesh. Solid secondary, solid fundamentals, punishing physicality, and the intangible mystique of being the envy of the NFC's defensive coordinators for about five years now. The Queens defense looks pollyannish in comparison.