Fifteen Articles of Faith: Coaching High School Freshmen Armed with A Surfeit of Inexperience and Ignorance; Or “I am a strand of linguini languishin

Practice:
Blow your damn whistle. That gets their attention.
Every once in awhile, step into a role as a player and make a quick drive to the basket for a layup when your players think you’re about to elaborate on some obvious point about the offense or defense. This may not earn their respect (the opposite effect is more probable), but it keeps the self-esteem at manageable levels.
Number your inbounds plays from 1 to 4, but only have two (1& 3 being the same; 2 & 4 likewise). Waste practice time explaining why this very American expansion of possible choices makes sense, though it really doesn’t expand said number of choices.
Discourage selfishness during practice (conversely, tell your best players to take over when the structured offense you’ve put in fails to take in actual games.)
Ball-handling drills and wind sprints take up time. Rely on them when the players start to tire of running the same offensive set over and over again. If they are fighting to catch their breath, it’s less likely that they’ll call you out as the imposter you are.

Games:
When you find yourself in a situation where your ignorance is exposed, fall back on timeless platitudes (“Block out” “Rotate” “We need to step up the intensity, fellas” etc.) and exuberant clapping.
Sitting on your hams makes it look like you are attempting to establish an especially perspicuous position from which to assess both your team’s and the opponent’s movements. Plus it just oozes cool contemplative expertise, of which you have none to speak.
Try not to let your dry erase marker roll underneath the bleachers. It’s not that professional to be on your hands and knees, blindly feeling for the marker you need to diagram a play you’re not sure will work.
Elaborate semiotic play-calling systems (two upraised fists, forearms crossed in X, Chinese finger traps, “diamond” using thumbs and pointer fingers) make basketball seem more like baseball, which increases your level of comfort. Code words (“Fist” “Primary” “Secondary” “Motion”) also makes it seem easier to organize the ephemeral flux of movement that takes place in front of you, even if it really doesn’t do that.
Perception is reality. Ask the referees for clarification periodically to suggest that you are both paying attention (you are) and have the background knowledge to make paying attention matter (depends).
When the other team only dresses six players, tell your team to make like soccer players and take falls. When two players from the other team subsequently foul out in the third quarter, employ the chaser strategy, whereby one player is designated to chase after whoever has the ball while his four teammates man up. Pure genius, that.
Sometimes it’s ok to take a timeout to let the players rest, but don’t be afraid to keep them out there if you think you might struggle finding encouraging words during the timeout.

In General:
So what if no one your team can dunk. Their shoelaces are tied and their dipthongs are banging.
When talking to a parent about his/her child’s playing time, emphasize the fluidity of your starting lineup and your undying commitment to equality of opportunity.
If you’re a B- basketball mind and the experience of coaching has little to recommend itself in terms of future archival material, be a smarmy one and create a bricolage of what is and is not true regarding that experience, then make it known without a clear breakdown of which observation lies where on the false/true continuum. “If I were to have done, here’s how” et al.