Friends, colleagues, and Texas patriots:

Hi, I'm your Congressman, Tom DeLay. You may recognize me from previous campaigns, when I visited your country club and became fixated with your surgically-altered wife and/or daughter. I am writing to ask for assistance as I run for re-election. I have a plan. I will roll back taxes, keep a tight lid on federal spending, have Justices Souter Stevens and Kennedy tarred and feathered on K Street, and surgically pin my lips back in the smile position.

You see, you don't make the move from owning your own pest control business, to becoming the sleaziest powerful person in a town full of sleazy of powerful people, unless you have a good view of the writing on the wall. The writing on the wall at present essentially says: Tom, you're fucked.
But with your help, I can either knock down that wall or use a good touch of metaphorical white out, and write something else up there. The future, in other words, can still be ours.

Please don't get too worked up over this. I've broken bigger laws than this one, and an indictment is only as incriminating as an organization makes it. Fellas, loose lips sink ships. We all know that. Still, I'd like to remind anyone who knows anything about what I did or not do in my relations with the Texas State Republican Party officials to keep your lips tighter than a bull's ass in fly season.

Don't worry about ole Tom. Just take a look at how smoothly I handled this guy. I know, I know - it was FOX - it was like a batting practice homerun. But I have been out battlin', and my rhetoricking has made a difference. People will believe what I say, even if I don't, because I speak language they can understand. As I told that commie fag Wolf Blitzer:

This is just the worst travesty of justice I have seen. Everybody says you can indict a ham sandwich with a grand jury. This is a ham sandwich indictment without the ham.

Fellas, I intend to bring the ham next election, and the steak and the pork chops too. If you want to have a chance at having any of it, I expect to see your continued, unmitigated support.


In partnership,


Tom DeLay